By Sydney Keith
Originally entitled “Honest Breakup”, Small Dick, Big World was Sydney’s first time tackling the art of monologue writing. Along with a few of her other monologues, it was written and performed as part of Plank Island Theatre Company’s “Writing Wrongs” monologue show in Aberdeen.
CHARACTER: Christina has spent her entire life letting people walk on her, always believing the happiness of others to be more important than her own. This time, she is sassy and unapologetic as she puts herself first.
OK, listen Trevor–I’m just gonna say it–[Beat]. This isn’t going to work out. I’m talking about you-and-me, [Gestures frustratedly] this thing that we may or may not be but can never really be sure of because we actually haven’t been on anything that can be called a date. I want it to end. [Trevor tries to speak]–Wait, let me get this out first.
Before you left for your trip last weekend–the weekend where I was supposed to decide whether or not I wanted us to be a thing–we had a talk. I know you remember, it was the one where I gave you my list of reservations towards having you as a boyfriend and you decided it was your que to show me how these things could all magically change overnight. Yeah, I don’t think you realize how stressful it was to make this decision with your little “Trevor as a Boyfriend” demo reel playing in the background. All of a sudden I’m getting texts with “good morning, gorgeous” –even though you know how uncomfortable that makes me–along with an ongoing monologue about how you’re suddenly now a responsible adult because you brushed your teeth in the morning and actually dealt with your anger issues. You used this buffer period as a chance to aggressively push me into an answer of the positive. You knew exactly what you were doing: You were manipulating the situation! Like you always do! And I’m through with it. I need my space, I need room to grow, and I can’t do that with you.
Look, I’ve had a lot of fun hanging out together. I’ll admit, things were pretty great for a moment there. But then you told me you were going to keep calling me “babe” even though I told you not to. You got mad at me for not staying the night even though I had class the next morning. Then you tell me about how everyone in your life eventually finds a reason to leave you just to reverse-psychology this scenario where I’m motivated to stay? That’s what I mean by manipulation, Trevor. That’s what I’m talking about when I say I’m not putting up with it. I’m not responsible for making sure your feelings don’t get hurt. That’s on you. I’m sorry if that makes life a little difficult.
The truth is, this has everything to do with you. I wish I could say that any girl would be lucky to have you but you’re kind of a dick. Probably just compensation for your lack-thereof, right? Oh yeah, I went there. See, you walked in here thinking I was broken, thinking you could use me as your little stepping stone to arrogantly boost your own self esteem. But I’ve got news for you buddy; this girl’s not broken and she can see right through your little scheme. I am sick of your backhanded compliments and constant need to one-up me. I don’t want your career advice; I don’t want your support; and don’t you dare patronize me by sayin’ I’m amazing and going places as if it’s something I don’t already know. I know I’m phenomenal, I’m not looking for someone who thinks I need their validation just to succeed. No one gets to have that power over me. So what you’re trying to do here, it’s never going to work. I’m ending it. You can keep on being exactly who you are, it just won’t be around me. I’m not saying everything sucked. I’m not saying you need to change–frankly, I don’t care if you do. I’m saying there were multiple red flags for me and I’m not sticking around to see what red flags become when they’re all grown up.
[Speaking to waiter again] Oh, no thank you, we won’t be needing a dessert menu. [Pleased] In fact, I think I’ll be leaving now.
[Spoken to Trevor as she exits the restaurant] Bye.
Sydney Keith 