By Sydney Keith
CHARACTER: Sarah is the kind of girl who will make you laugh with random comments that seem completely unrelated to the discussion at hand, but eventually connect (if you let her go on long enough). She’s a little unhinged, but has a genuine desire to lift the spirits of those around her.
You ever wonder, what made the sperm choose you? Think about it! Before you became the zygote that led to who you are today, you were just one out of the millions of eggs inside your mother’s womb–or wherever the frick she keeps them; so what was it that deemed you the winner? OK, I realize only a certain number of eggs get released for fertilization so it’s not the sperm’s decision. But an important choice is being made here, nonetheless, so the question remains: is it just the luck of the draw or is there an established egg committee in charge of making sure the egg isn’t stupid lookin’ when they red-rover-it-on-over? What if the chosen one isn’t ready yet? I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure this is the most defining yet constantly overlooked moment of our existence and we have absolutely no control over it. All I’m saying is, don’t blame yourself or your parents for why you ended up the way you did, as unfortunate as that person may be. We all start somewhere, we all get screwed up somehow. If it ties back to a moment we couldn’t do anything to change, why fret over it? I just know you’re feeling a little insecure right now, so I hope this gives you some perspective on the situation. For all we know it was just one bad egg that spoiled the bunch by making a rotten decision during that pivotal moment we call conception. And that’s not your fault. I may be a bit high right now, but I’m pretty sure what I’m saying here is genius.
Hey! Maybe you turned out weird because you came out of that batch of eggs your mom froze during her quarter-life-crisis and are now suffering from the long-term effects of in-utero freezer burn! That could explain A LOT! I’ve been wondering why you walk so slow. You know, you should talk to a lawyer about that actually, there could be a case for financial compensation. Not that I really know anything about what happens when a woman freezes her eggs. But let me just say from my time on Google that I would never do something like that myself. Trust me, a human egg is not a thing that should be proudly showing its face outside the womb. NOT cute, cool, interesting–no matter which way you turn it, it just doesn’t belong out in the open. Picture a microscopic jellyfish blob that got left onshore when the tide went out and now has to wait there until it can catch the next wave. It’s not pretty. If I had to see the blank canvas that my ovaries have to offer my future offspring, I would shudder. Really, having kids is like buying food from McDonalds: you know that it’s made from trash, but as long as you only have to see the end product that the trash turns into you’re more or less OK with its past. And that’s why I love you, despite all of your quirks and oddities; why I will always be here for you when you’re feeling down or low self-esteemy like you are now. I love you babe. [Softly] Happy anniversary.
Sydney Keith 